Although I feel I have accomplished a lot in my 26 years (not everyone can say they are the third runner up in the King of the Wing eating contest), apparently I am far behind in my achievements when compared to famous people my age. I have managed to get through a majority of my mid-20s without going to rehab (Oh, the shame! The shame!).

I mean, it's not like I didn't try. Why just last week I got drunk and started making slurs against the Jews, black people and T.R. Knight, but apparently that behavior is like the proverbial forest. If you're a drunk bigot but TMZ or E! News is not there to catch it, do you need to go to rehab?

It seems rehab has gone from being something alcoholics and drugs addicts went to to get better, to somewhere you just go for show. Apparently rehab can now fix racism and homophobia, as well as inflate your career (I'm looking at you, Kate Moss).

Whether it's Lindsay Lohan treating rehab like her own private hotel, or Michael Richards going so he can lie low until the media storm passes, these days rehab is a hotter spot than Le Deux to hang out at and is the cure-all for whatever idiot mistake you made in public.

Makes me wonder where all the real addicts who need help will go when all the rehab centers are full with B-list celebs.

But I can't worry about that now. I refuse to be left behind in this trend. If the Hoff and Mel Gibson and Britney Spears can do it, so can I. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find some crack, run around without my skivvies, and find a public forum where I can insult an entire group of people (I'm thinking the Albanians...no one has insulted them yet).