First things first, I'd just like to point out that the old adage "the camera adds ten pounds" is complete and total bunk. Looking at myself on video, the camera had to have added at least 20 pounds to my girlish figure. And I don't know who photoshopped that double chin on me in every scene, but as soon as I find out they are going to get a good talkin' to, believe you me.

For those of you who are lost, the Advocate editors, in either a temporary lapse of judgment or a temporary drunken stupor, gave me the go-ahead to make a news video spoof (a la The Daily Show) on the ongoing chupacabra saga. So I wrote a script, kidnapped our photographer T.C. Baker and ran around Victoria like a speed freak shooting scenes in which the ultimate goal was to make myself look ridiculous (although if you've every read my column, that's pretty much par for the course for me).

What's even more amazing is they saw the final product (complete with props like booze, a toy rifle and a shameful misuse of the Charlie's Angels them song) they have yet to take the video down from the Web site or fire me where I stand.

So now that's it's all over, I can share with you, my beloved readers, all the juicy good stuff that happened behind the scenes, like...

1. On the first day of shooting, I was attacked by a flying bug approximately the size of the Alamo and commenced to scream like a 5-year-old little girl. Luckily T.C. captured this all on video and so now I can look forward to someday being blackmailed by it.

2. On every set there is a diva and on ours, the diva was one Mr. Tim Delaney. If he wasn't complaining about his nonfat, no foam, chai latte being too cold, he was trying to upstage me every time the camera was rolling.

3. Watching Bill Clough's long and esteemed journalism career get flushed down the toilet the second he agreed to appear in our pitiful excuse of a video (thanks Billy...I owe you a beer).

4. Every movie set has at least one torrid affair between co-stars and on this particular set, that affair was between Sonny Long and chupacabra. Hope you two crazy kids can work it out.

Well, thats about all the juicy behind the scenes stuff I can muster right now.

(Warning! Warning! Shameless self-promotion ahead!)

If you haven't seen the video of me making an idiot out of myself, just follow the link: http://www.victoriaadvocate...

And here we thought it was just for spying on our boyfriend's ex.

According to an article on www.trendhunter.com, headhunters are trolling social networking sites like Myspace.com for the next great talent (which is making me think I should stop posting all those pictures of me at the bar on my page...nothing says serious young professional like taking tequila shots while dancing on top of the bar...not that I've ever done that, or anything...why? what have you heard?).

Anyhoo, scouting out young creative types, particularly in the fashion realm, everyone from designers to photographers now have the potential to be discovered. In fact, one fashion magazine director said she has hired based off a really good Myspace page.

And although I have a hard time believing this trend considering no one has noticed my immense talent yet (for taking tequila shots while simultaneously dancing to "Devil Went Down to Georgia") I think headhunting on MySpace is brilliant. Particularly since many creative industries are hard to break into unless you know the right people.

So start pimping out your page and deleting those comments from your best friend of that time you spit in your boss's coffee and prepare to be discovered (Time span for being discovered varies. Void where prohibited. Not available in Hawaii or Wisconsin).

Sex has hijacked Halloween, folks. Allow me to present to the court exhibit A:

http://www.costume-shop.com...>

Now don't get me wrong. I've been my fair share of sexy 1920s flapper and even...(gulp)...a Playboy Bunny from the 1950s (hey it was in college and if society is held responsible for all the things we did in college, no one would ever be eligible to run for president ever again).

But I think the whole "sexy costume" thing has gone overboard. I mean, come on. A sexy Hermione from Hogwarts? Or, allow me to present to the court exhibit B:

http://www.costume-shop.com...>

A sexy pizza delivery girl? Really? I'm all for shedding inhibitions for one night of the year, but now they are just stretching it. I mean, what's next? A sexy homewrecker? Oh wait...Exhibit C, your honor.

http://www.costume-shop.com...>

As lipstick feminist as I think I am, there is a point where even I'm like "Wow, that one lone costume set women back approcimately 500 years." Plus, I think these costume companies are being a little too liberal with the word "sexy." Cleavage and a non-existant skirt does not a sexy image always make. If that was the case, then the epitome of sexy would be people like RuPaul and my former third grade teacher Mrs. Maloney (who was 50).

So, if it pleases the court, in conclusion, you are free to be "sexy" for Halloween but when there are five other "sexy" Rainbow Brites at the party and no one is noticing you, don't start whining. You made your choice. And don't you dare complain that you can't sit down because your woo-ha might make an unscheduled appearance. And don't you even think about going off on the dude staring continually at your chest. You put it out there, you deal with it.

Court dismissed.

He's finally come out of the closet, people. After all these years of "is he or isn't he?" the mystery is now solved.

He most certainly is.

And no, I'm not talking about Tom Cruise (although I'm still waiting for the inevitable announcement). I'm talking about Albus Dumbledore finally coming out of the (broom) closet.

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling stunned fans last Friday when she announced that the beloved headmaster of Hogwarts was, in fact, gay. And while this has naturally stirred up controversy (like the hardcore Christians didn't have enough ammo against the Potter series with the witchcraft aspect), I'd like to point out that Dumbledore is only one in a long line of fictional children's characters with a sordid past.

I mean, let's be honest, did anyone really believe Bert and Ernie were "just roommates?" Or that Big Bird and Snugglewumpus...Sniffledumpling...Snicklefrists.. .oh, geesh, that mammoth looking creature on Sesame Street were just friends?

And what about Popeye's Olive Oil? I think we all know she was batting for the other team, if you catch my drift. And if Peppermint Patty is straight, I will eat my hat right here on this spot (that is, if I were actually wearing one).

And lest we not forget the scandal one Mr. Spongebob Squarepants caused when rumors were swirling a couple years ago that he was gay? Or that purse-toting Teletubbie Winky Twinky or whatever his name was.

Then there is Barney, a "grown-up" dinosaur having sleepovers with children? Michael Jackson complex much?

And you look me in the eye and tell me truthfully that you didn't notice when Bugs Bunny donned that lipstick and pantyhose, he was thoroughly enjoying every second of it.

I could go on and on. But the truth is, we should accept these characters for who they are, regardless of their preferences or orientations. Or, and here's an idea, it doesn't really matter because...um...they're fictional.

They are fictional characters, people. Technically, they don't even exist. So stop getting your knickers in a twist. Let's leave the "is he or isn't he" sexual orientation debate to those who deserve it (like Tom Cruise...who totally is...come on).

Finally. That's all I have to say (although I'd rather see the Daily Show king himself, Jon Stewart, take a stab at the presidency).

If you haven't heard yet, Stephen Colbert has announced his plans to run for president, according to a story Wed. on CNN.com (http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHO...)

While the world is wondering just how far the comedian will take his candidacy, I must admit I love this idea. Too often during presidential campaigns (at least since I've been old enough to vote) I've heard people complain that basically we are just voting for the lesser of two evils, the candidate least likely to get us blowed up.

So call me politically naive (or more likely the majority of you want to call me an idiot) but I think having a comedian in the White House would be the best thing that has happened to this country in awhile.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing any particular Presidents in office currently, but at this point how much worse could Colbert do? I mean, let's face it, most presidents have messed up in office at one time or another. It's inevitable when you're running an entire country. So why not put someone in office who can mess up but then make us all laugh about it during his hilarious State of the Union Address.

Plus, I think the world could use a laugh. So Mr. Colbert you have my vote.

Books are back, my friend. And now thanks to the likes of Harry Potter, Oprah's Book Club and that 11-year-old who got his dragon book published, it seems everyone is giving writing the old college try (re: procrastinating by heading out to happy hour where all you do is talk about the book you plan to  "write" as soon as you finish that last beer...not that I know from personal experience or anything).

OK, I'm lying. I do know from personal experience. I am one of those lame, cliche people who has convinced herself that she will, in fact, write a book one day (just after this last beer, I swear).

Luckily I am not the only one. In fact, there are so many people out there like me that a group of California would-be writers made November National Novel Writing Month in 1999. Based off the theory that since really good books take years of painstaking work to put together, why not challenge all would-be writers to complete a novel in a month? Sure, it's going to be a crappy novel, but it will be done.

Being that America is America, where quality often takes a backseat to mass production, the NaNoWriMo took off and now there are tens of thousands of people who sign up on the official Web site all over the world.

And I am now one of them. And I am hoping to recruit other Victorians to join me.

Most writers I know suffer from that particular strain of writer's block known as "this is going to suck" syndrome. So we never end up writing for fear of ridicule or fear that it's not perfect. NaNoWriMo takes that element out, allowing you just to write.

Editing is for December.

So I have signed up. I have from Nov. 1-Nov. 30 to write a 50,000 word novel and to send it into the Web site to have all the words counted. After that they delete it and it is mine to do with as I wish.

And while I know in 30 days I won't be producing the Great American Novel, it's a start.

If you're a would-be writer and would like to join me on this quest, check out www.NaNoWriMo.org and sign up. Maybe we can get together and have writing parties throughout the month of November. Contact me at abrandon@vicad.com if you're interested.

And just remember, "War and Peace" may not have been written in a month, but they didn't have laptops and ridiculously strong coffee back then.

The debate about the music industry being on the decline has been around for ages. But in my opinion, they only have themselves to blame. I mean, basically there are only three songs mainstream music pumps out now, only they put different variations on them.

There is the breathy chick song that goes: "Oh baby, baby, baby, you're my baby love, Oooooh, oooooh, baby, let's stay together forever, baby love, baby."

Then there is the hip hop "This is why I am awesome and you are not" song: "I'm pimpin,' you suckin', I gots lots of girls, you got none, they love my (insert slang for a wide range of expensive objects here)."

And then there is the whiny college guy song: "Sitting here in a hotel room, you ripped my heart out of my chest, etc (add lots of big, unnecessary words and long piano solos)."

But bad music is bad music is bad music and it has been around since the first caveman started singing about boinking his woman on the head with a club. And to prove it, here are the Top 10 worst lyrics in modern music compiled by Spinner magazine.

#10 "I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel." Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn"- Good thing she clarified that was how she felt

#9 "Now you're amazed by the VIP posse, Steppin' so hard like a German Nazi." Vanilla Ice's "Play That Funky Music" -Because as a white rapper, references to Nazis is a great decision. Maybe next he could bring up the KKK.

#8 "My panty lines show, got a run in my hose, my hair went flat, man, I hate that." Shania Twain's "Honey I'm Home" -Um....bummer. Thanks for sharing.

#7 "I don't think I've got the stomach to stomach calling you today." Saves The Day's "See You" -I don't think I have the stomach to hear any more.

#6 "Your butt is mine" -Michael Jackson's "Bad" -Beyond creepy coming from this man.

#5 But if this ever-changing world in which we live in" -Paul McCartney's "Live and Let Die" -English teachers around the world are scratching their eyes out in horror at that sentence structure.

#4 "Young, black and famous, With money hangin' out the anus" Puff Daddy and Mase's "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" -I think I'd prefer the slang

#3 "I don't like cities, But I like New York, Other places make me feel like a dork." Madonna's "I Love New York" -I miss the coned bra days.

#2 "War is stupid, And people are stupid." Culture Club's "War Song" -And you're stupid.

#1 "Coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago" Sade's "Smooth Operator" -Someone get this girl a map.

Being fairly young myself, I've never been one who was quick to bash teenagers and the absolutely stupid things they sometimes do (especially considering technically I'm still wanted in three states for that "little" prank I pulled when I was 15...if you're reading this Officer Hannigan, tell your wife I hope her hair has grown back by now).

But recent events have prompted me to say something I thought I'd never, ever have to say: What is wrong with these kids today? (Man I hope that line doesn't read as cheesy as it sounds in my head...oh crap, it does).

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about all of them. In fact, I'm only talking about a very, very small percentage of them. I'm talking about the kids who have been picked on who think they are perfectly entitled to get back at this big, cruel word of ours by shooting their peers down in cold blood.

As if the Virginia Tech shootings weren't bad enough, two more cases have just popped up recently in Cleveland and Pennsylvania. If you haven't read them yet, here are the links.

http://www.victoriaadvocate...

http://www.victoriaadvocate...

Now, when I was in fourth grade, I was given the nickname petunia butt after wearing a pair of floral pants to school one day. In sixth grade, I was called pizza face by the class bully. In 7th grade, my crush asks me out but only as a joke (which he informed me only after I said "Yes, yes, oh God, yes, I love you. Let's get married). And in high school, I was called Chunky Bob (nothing like a nickname like that to make a girl feel slim and beautiful, eh?)

But during that entire time, I never once felt the urge to...um...kill everyone. Yes, it sucked but..um...that's kids. They have the potential to be soul-crushingly mean. You have to deal with it and just take solace in the fact that those are the kind of people who peak in high school and end up fat, balding and pumping your gas at the age of 30.

Maybe we aren't teaching our kids the coping skills they need to put up with this kind of stuff or maybe these kids are just complete and total nut cases, but either way it has to stop. Bullying has been around since the first caveman turned to a smaller caveman and boinked him on the head so he could steal his saber tooth tiger loin cloth. And since it doesn't appear human nature is going to change anytime soon, we have to teach these kids how to deal with this stuff.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. There is nothing better than heading out in mid-October with the excitement of Halloween in your heart only to find that half the costume aisle is now filled with little Santa figurines.

Ah, yes, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Already. In mid-October. God bless big business.

Now I'll admit that Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. In fact, I love it so much, I thought I could never get enough of it.

Turns out I was wrong.

It's bad enough that Christmas already impedes on Thanksgiving (the holiday equivalent of the ugly step-sister who can never seem to outshine her beauty queen sister Christmas). But now they are messing with my Halloween, that holiday that is all about the fright, the ugly, the dark. And unless Santa is holding a chainsaw and dressed like Jason, I don't want to see his roly-poly little face until December.

I can only imagine what it's going to be like in a few years if this trend keeps going.

"Excuse me ma'am, would you like a candy cane with your fireworks?"

Or perhaps "Happy Groundhogs Day, honey! Here's a fruitcake."

To make it even worse, stores are now using subliminal messages to get us in the holiday spirit, those sneaky, little (insert insulting bad word of your choice here). Since they know how much it irks the public that Christmas keeps creeping up on us earlier and earlier, they are changing their tactics, accoring to a story in the New York Times.

And I quote: "Eager to expand the holiday shopping season without provoking consumers, retailers are experimenting with a novel approach: earlier-than-ever advertising that deliberately plays down the tinsel and holly."

To read the whole article, click on the link:

http://money.aol.com/news/a...

I say we need to put a stop to this. Christmas is Christmas because it comes but once a year, not because we celebrate it for three solid months. Who's with me?

Although I feel I have accomplished a lot in my 26 years (not everyone can say they are the third runner up in the King of the Wing eating contest), apparently I am far behind in my achievements when compared to famous people my age. I have managed to get through a majority of my mid-20s without going to rehab (Oh, the shame! The shame!).

I mean, it's not like I didn't try. Why just last week I got drunk and started making slurs against the Jews, black people and T.R. Knight, but apparently that behavior is like the proverbial forest. If you're a drunk bigot but TMZ or E! News is not there to catch it, do you need to go to rehab?

It seems rehab has gone from being something alcoholics and drugs addicts went to to get better, to somewhere you just go for show. Apparently rehab can now fix racism and homophobia, as well as inflate your career (I'm looking at you, Kate Moss).

Whether it's Lindsay Lohan treating rehab like her own private hotel, or Michael Richards going so he can lie low until the media storm passes, these days rehab is a hotter spot than Le Deux to hang out at and is the cure-all for whatever idiot mistake you made in public.

Makes me wonder where all the real addicts who need help will go when all the rehab centers are full with B-list celebs.

But I can't worry about that now. I refuse to be left behind in this trend. If the Hoff and Mel Gibson and Britney Spears can do it, so can I. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find some crack, run around without my skivvies, and find a public forum where I can insult an entire group of people (I'm thinking the Albanians...no one has insulted them yet).

Funny thing happened to me this morning. As I was trying to decide what to wear, none of my outfits look right. There was just something wrong with each one that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

And then suddenly, black capris in one hand and wide leg trousers in the other, I realized what was wrong. My accessories were just completely off. So I threw down my oversized purse and sunglasses and picked up a third world orphan baby.

Of course I'm kidding (they didn't have a baby in my size). But it seems that in the celebrity world, adopting a baby from Africa or China is the new "it" thing. And while I thought it was noble when Angelina Jolie was first doing it, once Madonna stole her an African baby from it's father, I started to wonder if everyone who is getting in on this trend has the right motivation.

I'm torn on this issue on several different levels. For one, adopting any child, no matter where they are from is a great thing in my eyes. I think anyone who is trying to make a positive difference in the world shouldn't be berated.

But I can't help but wonder why none of these celebs want to adopt American babies. I mean, granted, an orphan from Duluth doesn't sound as glamorous as an orphan from Ethiopia, but they can still give that child a weird name that will scar it for life like celebs so love to do (Apple, Maddox, Purple, Bleach, Snufflelupegus).

But then again, the country of Africa is much worse off than we are and so I guess in a way I understand why they want to help those who are suffering the most(although if Oprah keeps it up, pretty soon she will have single-handedly saved all of Africa's children and then that baby from Duluth has a fighting chance...hang in there, little Bobby).

But then again, shouldn't we also take care of our own?

But then again, third world orphans are in danger of dying from things like starvation and disease.

Like I said, I'm torn on this issue. But I guess there could be worse trends out there than adopting children, whether domestic or imported. I mean, if Julia Roberts suddenly made the trend of kitten baseball popular then we'd be in for a big old mess.

As much as I like to think I'm above all the fashion hype, I have been a "Fashion Don't" more times than I'd like to count (Hello tube top).

In fact, I'd grant that most people have at one time or another worn something simply because it was in style (don't lie...we know you wore those mismatching neon socks too). However, in our defense, almost everything looks good on a 6-foot-tall, exotic looking Brazilian model who weighs approximately as much as my left forearm.

But no matter how many horrendous fashion mistakes I've made (even including teased bangs) I take comfrot in the fact that someone made those same fashion mistakes first. Like Carrie Bradshaw said, fashion and politics are both about taking old, worn-out ideas and trying to make them seem fresh and new again.

Take for instance pointy high heels (you know, those kinds of shoes you can only wear standing up for about 15 minutes before you do irreversible damage to your feet). Those were actually first worn by men around the 15th century (a nice little tid-bit to know the next time your boyfriend calls you ridiculous for wearing those shoes as you're limping home from a party, ladies).

And take the bronze tan look everyone is trying to achieve (although for most people, in order to do it in a healthy way, you now end up with the dazzling tan of a carrot). The tan look was actually made popular by Coco Chanel after she returned home from a vacation on the beach . Before then it was the pale look that was all the rage, because it meant you didn't have to work outside and you were wealthy. Now the look of the wealthy is those who have enough leisure time to hang out on the beach all day (or spray themselves down with gunk that makes bunnies look at you longingly).

But I can't take credit for all these fascinating tidbits of information. They are actually from an article by Martha Brockenbrough. To read a more in-depth look into the history of some of today's trends, click on the link below:

http://encarta.msn.com/encn...

To check out the weirdest trends from 2007 Fashion Week, click on this link (my personal favorite is the poufy skirt layered over a full-length dress).

http://lifestyle.msn.com/be...

And just remember, no matter how many ridiculous outfits you have worn to appease the fashion gods, we can always look forward to younger generations wearing something even more insane (I'm looking at you, Hannah Montana).