David Cook

Only contestant with personality. Also home of the worst comb-over since Donald Trump, he is alas... genuinely talented. Poor guy should've shaved his head, but then he'd labeled Daughtry II. Instead he looks like a default character from that Rock Band video game that is so ugly you can't wait to create your own character to replace him. "I don't care if it has green hair and a skeleton hoody and Summoner boots. It's gotta be better looking than him!"
I'll admit I didn't like him at first, but he's the best pure musician of the bunch. His song selections have been bold and refreshing, and I think he actually could win the whole damn thing. However, even if he does, I won't be buying any of his music.

David Archuleta


I know "Idol" is a FOX show, but this kid screams "Disney." Not just because of that bizarre song he sang that Simon accurately described as very "theme park." He's the Haley Joel Osment of this season. Handsome, humble and yet more than a little boring. If he doesn't win, maybe he can guest as Raven's buddy or Hannah Montana's new boyfriend.

Carly Smithson


A talented tattooed gal with a scary looking husband. Honestly, how many votes do those quick shots of him cost her every week? He looks like Dhalsim from Street Fighter II.


There's a bit of internet grumbling about Ms. Smithson (or Ms. Hennesey, if you want to look up her first album), and claims that AI is just a fraud. Are you guys serious? "American Idol," a mainpulated  show?!?  GASP!! What other secrets lurk in Idol's past? Clay Aiken's gay? WHAAAAT? Paula drunk? OMG! Taylor Hicks really sucks? Head... gonna... BOOM! (rolls eyes, Cowell-style)

Brooke White


I'd like to start by saying I have a gut feeling she probably owns a afghan hound that looks just like her. You know, one of those owner/pet resemblance things.


Anyways, she totally seems like she's losing steam. I loved her wholesome "Carly Simon" vibe at the beginning, but now it's wearing thin. How annoying is it when she palavers with the judges during the critiques? "Yes, Randy. Thank you, Paula. Eff yourself, Simon." Enough already, Brooke. Now go backstage and cry some more.

Speaking of annoying…

Jason Castro


Aside from Sanjaya, has there been a more annoying contestant… ever?
I hate watching this guy perform. His eyebrows dance all over like they just escaped from Eugene Levy's face. Up until a couple of weeks ago, he was so aloof it was irritating. Singing out of the corner of his mouth and smirking as if to say, "holy crap! I'm on tv… and you're not." Dreadlocks soooo don't go with this pretty boy, by the way.

When I think of dreads, I think of three things.
-The Predator

-These chicks…


-and this guy from that new Muppet Show in the mid 1990s that no one saw because Kermit didn't sound like Jim Henson anymore.


That is not the face of an American Idol.

Syesha Mercado


She's been playing a lot smarter the past few weeks. She was so empty for so long, it's a miracle she didn't get kicked out simply by blending into the background. Now look at her, she outlasted the male stripper, Biker nurse, Chikezie, tiny Malubay, and even the Australian Michael Hutchence. She's also outlasted Monica Seles and Penn Jillette and Guttenberg. Wait... Wrong show.

What she has going for her the most is that she looks like a pop diva. I can easily see her in a Vegas revue with Celine, Barbara, and Cher. She sings big like them, but in a false way. She's next to go.

And I might as well talk about this chick…

Kristy Lee Cook


To many "Cooks" spoil the pot. We had David Cook already, and they finally threw this one out of the kitchen! YAY!

I have NO CLUE how she lasted this long. Clever pandering to red states is how I figured she was staying above water. Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" was the most shameless display I've ever seen. "How can you vote against the USA?" she seemed to be daring us. Everything that came out of her mouth sounded like a bad country karaoke in a seedy bar called "Tumbleweeds" or something where everyone is drunk on Schlitz or Pabst. Where premium lager is a Rolling Rock. Thank god she's finally gone. I've picked her to be eliminated since week 1. Now her fans can finally gear up for taking their tractors into town in November to vote McCain, and she can go back and get a new horse.

So yeah, that's my view about your American Idol. One of these people will definitely clogging radio waves this fall. Drop me a line. Standard text messaging rates apply.