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Real Name: Toni Anne Member Since: January 26, 2006 Last Signed In: November 11, 2008 Profile Views: 2556 Blog Views: 7814 President –Elect Obama: Answers the Call An Open Letter to President-Elect Obama: I was wrong. Your Daily Dose of Irony Courtesy of Aprill and the "Gays" As the Bailout Passes, the American People Mourn Your Country Rests In Your Hands Today Victoria CFL and Victoria YR Co-Hosting Candidate Forum on Education Tonight ANSWERED: An Urgent Call For Help Urgent Call for Help - Please Read Fluff and Cleavage (Read At Your Own Risk) (Final Installment) Rockin' the GOP Back to its Roots: My Road to the Rally for the Republic January 06 February 06 March 06 April 06 May 06 June 06 July 06 August 06 September 06 October 06 November 06 December 06 January 07 February 07 March 07 April 07 May 07 June 07 July 07 August 07 September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08
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Clear Conscience
(UPDATE: Just to let some of you know - I had some people complain about not being able to see/read my blog because the letters were too small. So now you know why the letters are so big. I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.)
I grew up in Shiner. I know it is not exactly true, but I think I was the only Mexican in my school until I was a sophomore. In Yoakum, less than 10 miles away, there were Mexicans everywhere. It was a completely different world as far as I was concerned, but I didn’t live there so I tried not to dwell on it. As I type this, I realize I have already said “Mexican” twice. It is just another side effect of growing up in a “white” world. I find that I offend people sometimes when I say “Mexican.” People either correct me and tell me I should say “Latino(a)” or “Spanish,” but most of the time I just get stared at funny. I used to work in an office. I had a nameplate on my desk that said “Toni Gonzales.” I can’t tell you how many people would talk up to me and just start speaking Spanish. I want to be clear on the fact that it never offended me. What did offend me however was the looks and comments I got when I politely said, “No habla espanol.” I got a mixture of pity and disappointment. The older people felt sorry for me, and the younger ones just shook their heads and even inquired what kind of parents did I have that didn’t teach me about my culture. Then the other few just made snide remarks in Spanish about how I was embarrassed of my culture or how I though I was better than them. Remarks, by the way, that I somewhat understood, having taken two years of Spanish in high school. What are you to do when someone of you own race is being prejudice towards you? I was not aware that I was any different than anyone else until I was about 10 years old. I wish that I could have remained blissfully stupid for just a little longer. It was then that I learned how mean people could be. It started with the snide remarks about where I came from. I was told that I did not belong there. I was asked how long it took me to swim across the Rio Grande River. I was informed that I was a Mexican and not an American. Finally, one day I came home and asked my mom what a “*********” was. These taunts finally started to fade around my first year of high school. By that time, however, the damage was done and sadly, permanent. I was ashamed to put my last name on anything. It was hard to even bring myself to write it out, and if I was out of town, I just lied about it. I dyed my hair lighter brown, and wore horribly light makeup. I was convinced at the time that it was the reason why the remarks stopped. I know now that my classmates just grew up and forgot about it all. I just never did. I heard my first Tejano/Spanish song when I was 18. I never had a quinceanera (I had to look that up to spell it). I still cannot speak Spanish because I almost failed it in high school. I only took it because it was required to have a language to graduate and my school only offered Spanish. I still feel uncomfortable when I say “Mexican” because I don’t know if I am supposed to say “Spanish” or “Mexican” or “Latino.” And I still feel inferior in some situations because I am Mexican. It is like it has been implanted in my brain that I am not good enough because I am “brown.” In the end, I am left in a weird limbo. My “own people” feel sorry for me or think I am trying to act “white.” The other people made fun of me for something I was very unaware of for many years. I happen to be a lighter skinned Mexican/Latina/Spanish person and it leaves me with one thought: When I get married in three months, and inherit a “white” last name, what will I be then? I haven’t even gotten a hold on my culture/skin as it is. Will I feel like I am invading someone else’s territory when I have a “white” last name? Will I still have a right to be a Mexican? Or will I become translucent? 0 comments from 0 users
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