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A mysterious vacation

It has been some time since I have last written. You may have wondered where I have been. Then again, you may not have. But I will tell you just the same. I have been with my compatriot, Shawn Clark, in Zanzibar, island of mystery and intrigue.

I cannot tell you exactly what mystery and intrigue we have been up to, but I can tell you it was very mysterious and intriguious. All I can say is that the trip involved diamonds, the belly of a whale, a trained killer dolphin, the deadly yet exciting and lovely Tatiana (who is covered in dueling scars) and our intrepid guide and friend, Mustafa.

Oh, Mustafa. We will miss you. I will never be able to dislodge your terrible, gruesome, most hideous death from my mind. It was horrible, yet strangely funny. I didn’t know those things would try and mate with humans. I really didn’t.

I will always remember one of the last things you said to me, my friend: “When you sleep, I will kill you.”

Goodbye, Mustafa.

This week in history

I have decided this week to educate all interested readers about history.

The reason for this is quite simple: Because of the heavy emphasis on science in our public schools, children are not getting a strong enough foundation is history. For example, I recently asked a first-grader to explain how a reaction against modernity became one of the defining characteristic of the Progressive Era. He could not answer and began to cry because I would not return his bike.

Shameful.

History is important to all cultures because I said so.

The not-famous Roman historian Cletus once wrote, “History is stuff what already happened.” The strength and clarity of that statement stands on its own merit and still has value today.

So, periodically (when I am not battling an array of personal demons), I will be discussing major events in history for that week.

Our first discussion concerns George Washington who, on July 23, 1775, took control of the Continental Army in its fledgling fight against Britain.

There has been much discussion concerning the reasons the colonies rebelled against the Mother Country. Some historians will say it was born from a frustration among the colonist against a distant and unconcerned government. Still others will insist that the break was due to a natural separation that came with the continually growing colonies that had developed their own culture, identity and political systems. The real reason that the colonies broke from the crown, however, is because the British were not Americans.

When Washington took over the Continental forces, they were a force in disarray. The army was made up almost entirely of hillbillies, lepers, men with syphilis and an entire squad of sheep (who, it must be noted, fought bravely in the Battle of That House Down the Street No Not That One The Other One).

After surprising the British forces with their fierce resistance at Lexington and Concord, and Breeds Hill, the colonists had a major setback at the Battle of Mr. Glenn’s Barn where a force of 2,000 militiamen attacked a single cow. The losses were devastating.

After inspecting his “troops” for the first time, Washington sent a letter to Congress that read, “What the hell?”

Washington, who would later become a state, decided that his troops desperately needed training in basic military maneuvers. The first week of training saw 133 fatalities, as some of the soldiers hadn’t yet learned which way “the pointy end” of the gun went.

The general then decided that best way to turn his motley and incredibly stupid soldiers into a viable army was to make them wear blue. Discipline improved somewhat, but the new army suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of one-armed orphans at the Battle of Somewhere Over There. The strategy laid out was a simple flanking maneuver that should have been successful, but many of the soldiers forgot what they were supposed to do and ended up aimlessly wandering around in an open field. The orphans won the battle 17-6.

Washington had a tough decision to make. He immediately needed an effective army to take on the most powerful military on the planet. The general decided to fire his army, except the sheep, and replace them with Mexican and Latin American fighters who would fight longer and at less pay.

The rest, as they say, is history.

One of the things I enjoy is doing a literary interpretation of things I find on the ground. While this practice may be looked down upon by other literary critics, what with their fancy “books” and all, they do not understand that THIS is the cutting edge, the vanguard of literary criticism.

My most recent find was a religious tract titled “Eat, Drink, and Be Merry.” The epiphany from this work is that being happy and enjoying yourself will make God hate you.

The tract states that:

“At this time of year … people will move like army ants toward the corner tavern, beer joints and nightclubs.”

Continuing this theme of people as insects, the tract warns us that,

“This will continue on for days as the multitude of people keep coming back like the moth does to the flame and is burnt or destroyed by fire.”

Another thing I noticed that moths do, is that they bang themselves repeatedly against my porch light until they knock themselves out, at which point my cat grabs it and runs inside before I can catch her. This means that I will have to wait until she drops the moth, which I will then pick up with a paper towel and flush down the toilet. Drunken people do the same thing, except they are much harder to pick up with a paper towel and clog the toilet.

The tract continues with this bizarre quote:

“I will finish with the title I started within this pamphlet.”

Who the hell is “I?” There is no name on the pamphlet anywhere, so the use of the first-person pronoun is a mystery. The only answer I can come up with is that the narrator is the pamphlet itself. While the author was asleep, the pamphlet skittered across the floor, clambered up the table and wrote itself.

The pamphlet continues by telling the story from Luke where the drunk dude says, “eat, drink and be merry.” At which point God says, “Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be required of thee” (Luke 12:19-20). The pamphlet then asks,

“What if God directed a message to you and said, ‘Thou fool, your soul will be required tonight,’ would you be prepared to meet the Lord?”

The answer is that my feelings would probably be hurt. If God calls you a fool and says you are going die, I’m guessing that the rest of your night is going to be pretty crappy.

Lee Wayne Jesse

It’s been a good April for the Lees. They added two more to their numbers and one of them was wanted by Crime Stoppers, which should be worth two points, but I must follow the rules. The count so far, as of April 13, 2008 is:

Lees: 7

Waynes: 2

Jesses: 1

Let’s get it together Waynes. The Lees are making you look like fools. And Jesses, your performance is just sad.

This week in history

On April 14, 1958, Texan pianist Van Cliburn won the International Tchaikovsky Competition in Moscow. In a repeat performance the following night, the 23-year-old stormed off stage when the audience wouldn’t stop shouting “Freebird!”

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One mean poet

I am continuously puzzled how often scholars of Emily Dickinson’s work fail to mention that the poet did most of her work while in prison. The freakishly strong Dickinson did hard time in a Massachusetts correctional facility after killing a man with her bare hands.

Many young students of poetry mistakenly confuse Emily Dickinson with Emily Bronte. While Bronte did serve time in prison, she was convicted of sneaking laudlum and cheap cigarettes across the Mexican border. (I should note, also, that the war between the Bronte and Austin cartels were notoriously violent, ending in Emily Bronte’s death when she was shot while getting a shave).

But I digress. This is about Dickinson and her violent tendencies, which are often prevalent in her works.

My Wheel is in the dark, –

I cannot see a spoke,

Yet know its dripping feet

Go round and round.

…

Some have resigned the Loom,

Some in the busy tomb

Dickinson killed the man by beating him with her fists. She then tied him to a wheel and threw him into the bay.

The theme of water often shows up in Dickinson’s work.

What Skipper would

Incur the risk,

What Buccaneer would ride,

Without the surety from the wind

Or schedule of the tide?

Writer Herman Melville once met Dickinson while she was working in a press gang at the harbor. After meeting her, he wrote to friend Nathaniel Hawthorn, “Arrr. She be the meanest wench ye ever seen.”

But the lingering question of those who study Dickinson is: Why did she kill? Her works seem unclear.

For Death, – or rather

For the things ’t will buy,

…

The things that Death will buy

Are Room, – Escape

From Circumstances,

And a Name

Here it seems she did it for money. A hit, perhaps? Dickinson had a severe gambling addiction and would likely have needed money.

However, there may have been another reason the poet committed murder.

I Had no time to hate

…

Nor had I time to love

Could not love, nor hate. Obviously a sociopath. This theory of a disturbed mind is born out by Dickinson’s belief that she was immortal:

For I have but the power to kill,

Without – the power to die –

The poet’s views are made even more clear in this passage:

Crisis is sweet and, set of Heart

Upon the hither side,

Has dowers of prospective Surrendered by the Tried.

OK, I don’t know what it means, but it certainly sounds creepy. But if you want insight into Dickinson’s violent thoughts, you have to look no further than these lines, which she had tattooed on her back:

Angles’ breathless ballot

Lingers to record thee;

Imps in eager caucus

Raffle for my soul.

Finally, everything about Dickinson can be summed up by the singular line:

My Life had stood – a Loaded Gun

I bet it did, Toots. I bet it did.

Jesse Lee Wayne

Before we look at the latest tally, I would like to thank everyone who responded to Jesse Lee Wayne count. All the comments were given in the spirit in which the blog was written. It’s always nice to find people with a sense of humor.

Now, with out further ado, our updated count:

Lees: 5

Waynes: 1

Jesses: 1

Hooray! As you can see, the Waynes are finally on the board. Now the Lees will be forced to look over their shoulders.

This week in history

On April 3, 1043, Edward the Confessor became king of England. Immediately afterward, he told all assembled that he secretly enjoyed romantic comedies and that the Archbishop of Canterbury “smelled like cheese.”

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Jesse Lee Wayne

It is a scientific fact that a person whose middle name is Wayne has either been in jail, in jail now or going to jail at some point. Researchers have also found the same for those who are named either Lee or Jesse.

For more than 150 years, various members of Congress have tried to pass some form of a Wayne Act. This act would arrest anyone with the middle name of Wayne once that person turns the age of 17. The Act states that this would be a preventative measure because, at some point, “they’re going to do something anyway. We might as well get it over with.”

Over the years, Congress has tried to add Lee and Jesse amendments on to the Act.

To test it out the "Wayne Theory," I went through the Advocate's police blotter since January 2 of this year to find out who is more dangerous to Victorians – Waynes, Lees or Jesses. Here are the results. You might find them surprising.

Waynes: 0

Lees: 5

Jesses: 1

That’s right. Not one Wayne has been caught this year. There are several possibilities for this:

1). The theory is wrong. (This is absurd. Of course it’s right).

2). All of the Waynes have already been rounded up.

3). The Waynes are more clever that the Lees and, thus, haven’t been caught. Yet. Lord knows there has been a great deal of Wayne-like behavior out there that no one has been charged for.

4). The Waynes aren’t trying hard enough.

I will continue to monitor this situation as it progresses through the year. Stay tuned.

This week in history

On March 31, 1667 the English and the French sign an accord to fight against the Dutch. The Dutch respond, “What the hell?”

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Ha! I knew it!

Everything you need to know about anything can be found in the Winter 1974 issue of Saga’s UFO Report. In the article titled “The Bible and UFOs,” writer Brinsley Le Poer Trench offers an Earth-shattering thesis. Trench begins by quoting Exodus 19:20-21:

And the Lord came down upon mount Sinai, in the top of the mount: and the Lord called Moses up to the top of the mount: and Moses went up.

And the Lord said unto Moses, “Go down, charge the people, lest they break through unto the Lord to gaze, and many of them perish.”

Trench then makes this startling revelation:

“It is apparent from the above verses that the Lord God came down on Mount Sinai in a spaceship.”

If this isn’t “apparent” to you, then you are a heathen. If it is “apparent,” then marijuana has not been kind to you.

Strangely, after the incident on Mount Sinai, Moses told the Egyptian authorities, who told him that what he saw was swamp gas.

The Declaration of Independence – The Director’s Cut

One of the notorious incidents of the American Revolution, is when the Continental Congress edited Thomas Jefferson’s complaints against slavery.

In the list of indictments (or grievances) against King George III, Jefferson had wrote:

“He (the King) has waged cruel war against human nature itself, violating it’s most sacred rights of life and liberty in the persons of a distant people who never offended him, captivating and carrying them into slavery in another hemisphere, or to incur miserable death in their transportation thither.”

However, this was not the only piece edited out of the Declaration. There were several others:

He has repeatedly refused to acknowledge us, even after we nodded polite salutations. And even though he claims to have “not seen us,” this is not true for he was looking right at us.

He has refused repeated inquiries into the mysterious lighted saucers that have been seen hovering over numerous cities and burghs by many good people. He has then insulted our intelligence by claiming that such sights are merely “swamp gas,” “reflections of Venus” or, even more insulting to us, that such events were our “imaginations.”

He has been breeding a terrible race of Lizard-men, whose sole purpose is to destroy the good people of these colonies.

These Lizard-men are responsible for Mr. Franklin’s terrible gout, which, I am certain all shall agree, is most hideous and repugnant.

He has made us wear heavy-woolen clothing, even in the summer. This has forced good men to congregate in close quarters, creating a most squalid odor that has destroyed those with even the happiest of appetites. I myself have lost two stone. The most corpulent Mr. S. Adams is practically unrecognizable.

He has foisted upon our shores most disagreeable men who carry the middle names of Wayne or Lee for the purpose of terrorizing the populace. In addition, there are rumors to the effect that he will soon send a foul-tempered cadre of men who hold the name Jesse.

This week in history

On March 21, 1697, the Russian Czar Peter the Great began a tour of Western Europe. While most critics thought he was an able performer, they had wished he would have “played more of his older stuff,” since his newer music was too commercial.