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A mysterious vacation

It has been some time since I have last written. You may have wondered where I have been. Then again, you may not have. But I will tell you just the same. I have been with my compatriot, Shawn Clark, in Zanzibar, island of mystery and intrigue.

I cannot tell you exactly what mystery and intrigue we have been up to, but I can tell you it was very mysterious and intriguious. All I can say is that the trip involved diamonds, the belly of a whale, a trained killer dolphin, the deadly yet exciting and lovely Tatiana (who is covered in dueling scars) and our intrepid guide and friend, Mustafa.

Oh, Mustafa. We will miss you. I will never be able to dislodge your terrible, gruesome, most hideous death from my mind. It was horrible, yet strangely funny. I didn’t know those things would try and mate with humans. I really didn’t.

I will always remember one of the last things you said to me, my friend: “When you sleep, I will kill you.”

Goodbye, Mustafa.

This week in history

I have decided this week to educate all interested readers about history.

The reason for this is quite simple: Because of the heavy emphasis on science in our public schools, children are not getting a strong enough foundation is history. For example, I recently asked a first-grader to explain how a reaction against modernity became one of the defining characteristic of the Progressive Era. He could not answer and began to cry because I would not return his bike.

Shameful.

History is important to all cultures because I said so.

The not-famous Roman historian Cletus once wrote, “History is stuff what already happened.” The strength and clarity of that statement stands on its own merit and still has value today.

So, periodically (when I am not battling an array of personal demons), I will be discussing major events in history for that week.

Our first discussion concerns George Washington who, on July 23, 1775, took control of the Continental Army in its fledgling fight against Britain.

There has been much discussion concerning the reasons the colonies rebelled against the Mother Country. Some historians will say it was born from a frustration among the colonist against a distant and unconcerned government. Still others will insist that the break was due to a natural separation that came with the continually growing colonies that had developed their own culture, identity and political systems. The real reason that the colonies broke from the crown, however, is because the British were not Americans.

When Washington took over the Continental forces, they were a force in disarray. The army was made up almost entirely of hillbillies, lepers, men with syphilis and an entire squad of sheep (who, it must be noted, fought bravely in the Battle of That House Down the Street No Not That One The Other One).

After surprising the British forces with their fierce resistance at Lexington and Concord, and Breeds Hill, the colonists had a major setback at the Battle of Mr. Glenn’s Barn where a force of 2,000 militiamen attacked a single cow. The losses were devastating.

After inspecting his “troops” for the first time, Washington sent a letter to Congress that read, “What the hell?”

Washington, who would later become a state, decided that his troops desperately needed training in basic military maneuvers. The first week of training saw 133 fatalities, as some of the soldiers hadn’t yet learned which way “the pointy end” of the gun went.

The general then decided that best way to turn his motley and incredibly stupid soldiers into a viable army was to make them wear blue. Discipline improved somewhat, but the new army suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of one-armed orphans at the Battle of Somewhere Over There. The strategy laid out was a simple flanking maneuver that should have been successful, but many of the soldiers forgot what they were supposed to do and ended up aimlessly wandering around in an open field. The orphans won the battle 17-6.

Washington had a tough decision to make. He immediately needed an effective army to take on the most powerful military on the planet. The general decided to fire his army, except the sheep, and replace them with Mexican and Latin American fighters who would fight longer and at less pay.

The rest, as they say, is history.