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Many people debate the intelligence of animals in comparison to humans. While I would love to sit here and inform everyone that animals are smart, I have to be honest and inform you that, after an exhaustive study, animals are dumb.

Some of you might argue that intelligence is relative. For example: If you are being chased by a tiger in the jungle, the tiger will find you and kill you. While this may be true, I have to respond that 1) I don’t live in tiger-infested jungles and 2) If I did, I would just get in a car and drive away. On the other hand, after many attempts to teach them to drive, the tigers failed miserably. Locking tigers in a car only makes them surly and agitated, increasing what is already a generally foul temperament.

Other results from my study further prove the point that animals are not as smart as humans:

1: Although greatly arrogant, cats are not as smart as they would like you to believe. A group of cats in my study were asked to name at least six state capitals. They didn’t even come close. The only two the cats in the study were able to name were Austin and Los Angeles. They couldn’t even name the easiest of state capitals, like South Dakota Town and London.

2: Dogs are unable to work even rudimentary mechanical objects. Attempts to teach dogs to ride a bicycle ended in carnage after the dogs kept hurling themselves off the bike in order to bark at it.

3: When asked to write a play, monkeys used in the study kept returning with various Shakespeare works. This leads to the obvious conclusion that monkeys are unable to think creatively and originally. Also, they are shameless plagiarists

4: The apes in the study were completely useless. Instead of participating in tests on the ability of gorillas to perform minor surgery, the great apes instead lurked in the corner, smoked cigarettes and leered at the researchers.

5: Dolphins were also uncooperative. What many consider to be the smartest of animals, the dolphins expressed a great degree of snobbery, refused to listen to instructions, and laughed and made fun of the researchers when the scientists turned their backs. This led many researchers to leave the study with hurt feelings and damaged self esteems.

6: Many people perpetuate the myth that pigs are smart. Again, this proved to be untrue in the light of science. While the pigs were explicitly instructed to watch only PBS, when no one was looking the pigs kept changing the channel to a History Channel documentary on weaponry and battle planning. Researchers were intrigued, however, with how the pigs would grunt amongst themselves but suddenly stop when someone entered the room.