I don't put many jokes here, though some may think me one anyway....but this one tickled my funnybone. Thanks Jonco

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER.....

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

A few hours later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

No, make that for truckers REQUIRED to pass an English language READING and writing test before being allowed to drive commercial transport vehicles on Texas roads. Anyone have a problem with that? I Googled my *** off trying to find out who has proposed this bill, after hearing a snippet of the story on the six o'clock news - no luck - so far. I did hear that LULAC immediately jumped on it like white on rice though, as discriminatory. Well Jesus, when some broken English speaking trucker blows by a detailed digital warning/instruction sign on a Southwest(59)Freeway in Sugarland, without a clue of what it warns of, and five minutes later, runs down your son/daughter on a night crew, trying to make the road safer for the likes of you to negotiate every day, please try to remember that you picked the wrong battle to jump into. This isn't a case of discrimination. This is a case of a legislator seeing a problem and going out on a limb, knowing you are laying in wait to pounce. I predict we will hear more on this, and I am for it becoming law, even if it is just a required test to show that they comprehend in Spanish, what signs posted in English are saying.

Mrs. Childress taught me what bass, tenor, and soprano were when I sang in UIL ensembles in competitions......oh, yeah, I forgot alto - I learned that on my own, and I recognize it when I'm driving between Valladolid and Puerto Juarez, and I obey the sign. Unfortunately, north of Victoria, the signs are a bit more detailed and sometimes digital and subject to change messages on a moment's notice(welcome to Gringo technology). Learn the language, or change drivers at Piedras Negras. And don't even start with me on asking for additional Spanish language signs........or I, Mike Austin will lobby my state legislator to sponsor a bill to authorize Kinky Friedman to lead an effort to invade Mexico and annex your homeland, and change all of your signs to the language that the tourists who feed your economy can understand.

Hey, no hard feelings.....hell, my great, great grand father was Mexican for a while before he and his fellow Texicans got tired of the way Mexican politics were headed. (BTW - we won). I just would like an even playing field when I am coming into Houston from the west, and that flashing sign warns of an overturned moving van, but fails to mention that it is loaded with illegals from points south. Do you want to be the one to rip through it because of a language barrier?

A public service statement here. I love spicy food.period. Hot is not a problem as long as it's tasty. I buy the powdered Chinese mustard and make my own. I make a mean and tasty seafood cocktail sauce as well. I love the taste of good jalapeno peppers. I ran across a piece on http://spluch.blogspot.com/... target='_blank'>Spluch on the discovery of the latest "world's hottest pepper". For those who choose not to check the link, I'll reprint it here. For those who choose to visit the link, you are welcome. I mine it regularly. It's a cool and informative site.

In fall of 2006, the Guinness Book of Records confirmed that New Mexico State University Regent’s Professor Paul Bosland had indeed discovered the world’s hottest chili pepper, Bhut Jolokia.

Bhut Jolokia, at 1,001,304 Scoville Heat Units (SHU), is nearly twice as hot as Red Savina, the chili pepper variety it replaces as the world’s hottest. A New Mexico green chile contains about 1,500 SHUs and an average jalapeno measures at about 10,000 SHUs.

“The name Bhut Jolokia translates as ‘ghost chili,’” Bosland said, “we’re not sure why they call it that, but I think it’s because the chili is so hot, you give up the ghost when you eat it!”

Ever have a secret that was just eating you up, that maybe getting it out to see anonymously, just might help. Try a look http://postsecret.blogspot.... target='_blank'>HERE It's called Postsecret - seems to be mostly postcards sent in by folks that are scanned and posted on their site. I believe one could post via internet as well, instructions are on the website.It may seem a bit off the wall(noooo, not from the old Pilot, you say). here are a couple of examples:

My Boss stopped by a minute ago and asked if I was Catholic?????Blank stare from me. Then he asked:"Practicing Baptist"? 'Nother blank stare......followed by my asking, "does being a Baptist require a lot of practice"? I was joking (I know practice is on Wednesdays for the Sunday game........)Then I proceeded to tell him of my affiliations with each denomination. Raised Baptist - drug up. Raised hell for a few years, then married in the Catholic church. Convenient for her, as when I threw in the towel on that one, she just had it annulled after 12 years - like it never happened(kinda like they do with the sins/confessions thing I assume). I think it circumvents the marriage/divorce stigma. I know of people who probably would have liked to have used that approach in their murder trial defenses. If abortion is legal, why not make it for an indeterminate window....like say up to about oh, at least 988 weeks(you do the math) parents of select teenagers will not need to........
Anyway I told him that I had in fact, forgotten that it was Ash Wednesday, as evidenced by forgetting to make my annual purchase of a glut of stock in fish stick manufacturers(which I'd normally sell for a tidy profit on Good Friday)! As for my Baptist story, my last true encounter with that horde occurred in a small movie house on the bay, way back when. I was snuggled down with a young beautiful (I'll not say HOW young)Greek shrimper/restauranteur's daughter on my days off from the crew boat, and just getting in to the debauchery of "Alices Restaurant", when lo and behold, the doors to the Main theater burst open and in marched a throng of the local Baptists, led by the leader of a good old hellfire and damnation, old fashioned travelling tent revival that was passing through our town. He had whipped this poor flock into a sinner feeding frenzy over the prevailing loose morals of the hippie world of the day, and had convinced them that it was their duty to do God's calling and to go and drag their brothers and sisters out of the "R"(for raunchy I'm sure) rated film and back to the house of the lord to be saved.

Now I run this church for loggers.....and beavers (little furry loggers) and one of God's creations.......

Oh, and my second wedding (and all night reception),(the one that took - and produced two beautiful sons), was officiated over by a Lutheran minister(evidence I'm not a total heathen) in a very old hotel where Bonnie and Clyde once holed up for a while.....(evidence I know where to party)!

The three major network weathermen were found bound to a Doppler Radar tower and shot execution style this morning. At the center of the investigation is a man who west side residents say spent hours washing and waxing a Suburban and a pickup right after watching the five o'clock forecast which did not call for rain.......

There is your Sunday morning headline...... I guess around a year or so ago, I wrote a short piece called http://beta.vicadhosting.co... target='_blank'>"Little League Heaven" on the pint sized portion of The Great American Pasttime. One of the things I touched on was the criminal background check required on all of us who were involved with managing the kids, and in particular, I wrote of having a coach on my team names Jesus who also happened to work for the Texas Department of Public Safety. I even allowed as to how the league guy commented on Jesus's credentials..........Oops.....According to the Chronicle and all three networks here, at that point in time, Jesus was slipping the occasional brick of high grade Peruvian flake cocaine(hey, he tested it, he knew which was the good ****)into his backpack and for $11,000 - $13,000 a pop back into circulation, then sneaking a brick of talc or something back on to the shelves at the DPS candy store. Went on for a couple of years according to the reports.

Well strip my gears and call me shiftless!........I'd have never guessed. In all fairness, Jesse was quite a nice guy and a lot of help on the team. His son, though a sweet little undersized kid however, was eight but looked more like five, and couldn't hit a moose in the caboose with a ball bat. Jesse was a fellow bike rider, and at times I'd see him on the bike trail, astride a rather pricey bike. On the surface, it appeared that he probably brought home an average salary for a state worker with a degree, though not one that would put him on a $4000 Specialized composite frame bike that weighed about what my laptop does. I guess I just figured what the hell, maybe Jesus saves....
Okay maybe that was tacky, but it stays in.....Moral of the story, is that things aren't always what they seem to be. I know Jesse is a good guy who made a bad decision, like all of us are capable of doing. He is a Corpus native, and was the first in his family to go to college and earn a degree. Unfortunately he chose a seriously wrong fork in the road in looking for a shortcut. I hate that his kids are going to have to be put through this trauma and without their dad for some time likely. For a couple of different angles on the story, look at http://www.click2houston.co... target='_blank'>Channel 2 Story or http://chron.com/disp/story... target='_blank'>Kinder Gentler Chronicle Story Either way you slice it, it's like an old saying I've heard most all my life: "ya rolls the dice, ya takes yer chances".....

A number of Guadalupe and Comal River tubers, and probably a few of the tube livery operators have gotten their panties in a wad over the new beer ordinance in effect this year. I'll weigh in on this one. Of course, the Baptists are would prefer to see NO beer consumed there, I'm fairly certain, since they can't do it themselves without running the risk of another Baptist seeing them.......(I'd think that in the spirit of Catholic "confession", that two Baptists imbibing should cancel each other out, say if they don't maintain eye contact)

My approach though, is more of an environmentalist, anti-litter angle. They need to do a better job of not polluting the place and crapping up the river banks and bottom with their empties. To some extent, I think the new ordinance will help with that problem, but it's really up to those tubers to keep it clean. The other thing, is the quantity of beer allowed. To me, it does not seem unreasonable. I mean, c'mon, a six pack on the Comal. What's the problem with this one? There are times when I can pee longer than it takes to float the entire length of the Comal River. Christ, how fast can a person slam a sixer of Colt 45 anyway? If you are really that prolific a drinker, chain a locked ice chest at intervals, preferably near a trash can and a bathroom so that for the the short distance, the river's water maintains a constant color and temperature. Then haul your *** out when you hit a cerveza checkpoint and reload......geez. And the Guadalupe? Ditto the checkpoint reload stations. And really, a twelve pack there should be quite sufficient to oil up your date enough to get her bikini off before she hurls, don't you think? After all, any more ignorant oil than that is gonna make Slumber Falls and that other widowmaker rapids there, pretty much impossible to navigate safely, one would think. Have fun y'all. Keep Texas rivers clean.

Got this from a friend - with no instructions, but I assume I’m supposed to forward it to some more friends and see if anyone else cares to share their list…….. have fun with it or toss it…..



1. What is your occupation? Electrical Designer

2. What color are your socks right now? gold

3. What are you listening to right now? My fan and hard drive, and a gaggle of people standing around the coffee maker

4. What was the last thing that you ate? oatmeal

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yep – four on the floor and three on the tree too

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? blue

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My sons

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yes, I do

9. How old are you today? 56.4876712 years and 22 minutes (approximately) (at 6:22 AM on Valentines Day, 2007)

10. Favorite drink? Ice water

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? baseball

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? No, but it’s slowly becoming clear in places and white in others

13. Pets? Dogs: Maya (she picked me), Honey, (a San Antonio Bay orphan), “Buddy” (or Buford), Catahoula (Official Louisiana State Dog), and “Lynx”, Maine Coon (enormous cat)

14. Favorite food? Fried shrimp, oysters, crisp salad, biscuits and gravy, banana pudding, (is Merlot a food?)

15. What was the last movie you watched? Snow Dogs - with my kids (before that, Harold and Maude on DVD)

16. Favorite day of the year? Today (I made it here)

17. What do you do to vent anger? Write/blog (I find it generally safer than road rage)

18. What was your favorite toy as a child? My first bicycle (a second hand, red, hand painted Schwinn)

19. Hugs or kisses? All of the above

20. What is your favorite, fall, or spring? Spring

21. Cherries or blueberries? blueberries

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Hey, whatever blows up your skirt…..

23. Who is most likely to respond? My sister in law

24. Who is least likely to respond? My father in law

25. When was the last time you cried? Boys don’t cry (I don’t remember – probably the last time I got really hammered)

26. What is on the floor of your closet? Which closet? Why do you ask?

27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? My sister and Judy

28. What did you do last night? Read and wrote

29. Favorite smells? Salt air, mountain air, fresh brewing coffee, falling snow, and Hawaiian Tropic

30. What Who inspires you? My children

31. What are you afraid of? Something happening to one of my children

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Jalapeno

33. Favorite dog breed? Hot dogs

36. Number of keys on your key ring? Four, including one from a ’56 Ford Fairlane I once owned

37. Favorite day of the week? The ones during which I am outside playing or writing, and not at work

38. How many states have you lived in? 2 - Texas & Colorado (add another 10-12 if extended sleepovers count)

39. Favorite holidays? New Year’s Day(I made another one!), Labor Day(I earned it) Most of the rest are pretty much commercialized, self serving strokers – I think we should get about 20 more(paid of course) of our own choosing (instead of the strokers)





Note: one or two who read this may have received it from me as an e-mail - the one answer I altered was for obvious reasons - police interrogations tend to cut into my work schedule........

I promise - this is the only thing I'll contribute on the Anna Nicole saga.......maybe. Doesn't money (or the promise of it) bring out the bottom feeders? I'm losing count of those lining up to whip up some DNA for their entry into the Marshall Lottery. For the life of me, I'd like to see on paper, just what that girl's bank ledger looked like, since the old codger shoved off. She certainly was living a life of luxury, to not have been a big bucks box office draw. One thing is for certain though - if this troupe of self professed sperm donors are all to be believed, then roughly fifteen months ago, the poor girl spent the better part of a week or two bangin' like an unlatched screen door in a hurricane........

Yup, that's the guy's name......and for the life of me, as this weekend winds down, I see him on 60 Minutes and then I look as his full name again, then catch myself looking back at him on TV. Why you ask? I'm lookin' for a profile shot of him. The guy has to be sporting a package that would make Ron Jeremy bow at his feet. Maybe it's just me. Maybe nobody else in the world sees the target he's chosen to have painted on his forehead. Can you see the headlines in '08 now? "Obama Holds a Commanding Lead In The South........NOT"! C'mon guys.....this fool is like asking for Kennedyitis. Geez, about all he could do at this point to make it any sillier would be to name Raven or Oprah as a running mate. John McCain is probably looking at his pocket change, then at Hilliary and B. Hussein Obama, then back at his loose change and thinking...."yep, this should be enough money to put this one in my pocket". And Cheney can only look skyward and say "PULL"! And then there's Bush, poor George, he's not convinced Obama isn't really a clean shaven Osama. Remember when Uday and Qusay Hussein were killed? George W. got all jiggy just for a couple of minutes after being informed, until he figured out that his aides weren't telling him in Pig Latin that we had Bagged Dad.......

We need to dig deeper folks. Somewhere, there has to be a person who has the wisdom, vision and strength to put our country back on the right track. We don't need a Cosby Kid with an Ipana smile. We don't need another oil man with a posse of his pals to make sure things go their way. What we need is a leader - one with all of our best interests in mind - for now and for years to come, someone cut from the cloth of some of our founding fathers.

What do you all think about the plan to sell the Texas Lottery? Southern Baptists, and other religious groups against a lottery in the first place, feel free to weigh in on this. After all, you are playing the lottery on an afterlife when you drop that tax free Lincoln, Hamilton, or Jackson into the plate on Sunday, aren't you..... When I buy a ticket, I'm just gambling on a bit more of an immediate, mortal return on my hard earned. Anyway, seems the original plan was to have a lottery to benefit schools. While it has been fraught with management problems and I don't have any idea how much education has actually benefitted from it, it seems to me that claiming that to sell it to benefit health care funding amounts to no more than a shell game with the money. About the only positive I can see to selling the Lottery, is that if the private entity that buys it, at whatever price they agree on, nuts it up and does a top notch job of running it and starts making money hand over fist, it will serve to point out just how inept our state government is at business........officially at least. I can't help but think that a few pockets are going to be lined off the record if this deal goes down.

From the "when you think it can't get any weirder" files, comes the story of Lisa Nowak Caputo, the cute little redhead astronaut who had it all, turned psycho in diapers stalker. Personally, I think they just put Nasa too close to the refineries down there on the ship channel. Some of those vapor releases are apparently wafting over Space Central of late. First it was ol' Nasa nerd Rusty Yates' wife, Andrea Pia "Honey I Dunked the Kids". Next comes Clara Harris who when confronted with her fellow dentist and husband and his mistress, she decides he's filled his last cavity and turns him into a human speed bump (which she test drives over repeatedly with her new Mercedes).

Now from the Orlando P.D. glamourshots file, comes Lisa Marie Nowak the sequel: Yikes! Shades of Nick Nolte and Glen Campbell... Seems Lisa donned her Huggies and assembled a rather strange collection (unless your name is McGuyver) of items and headed on a road trip to Orlando. I could relate her whole bizarre tale to you, but I'll direct you http://www.khou.com/topstor... target='_blank'>here in the event you haven't heard about this one. In truth, this is a sad story for all involved and I can only wonder how it will evolve, other than the press having a field day with it.... One thing for sure though, it is pretty much a foregone conclusion that Ms. Nowak and her object of amore' won't be realizing their fantasy of zero gravity hanky panky....... She probably blew that one!

I'll admit that while on the surface, the little revelation that the astronauts don diapers during launch and re-entry, may come across as TMI, on closer examination, it seems only logical to me. I'm not sure at just which point in the mission Nasa sees as a peak requirement for the diapers to be in place, but speaking for myself, I'd say that from the instant they light that fuse until I was doing weightless cartwheels inside the International Space Station, that I would probably qualify as needing a bit of "extra protection"!

Large surprise here......San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, after his recent confession to dippin' his wick in another man's candle(the wife of a trusted aide, no less), has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Ain't life sweet for celebrities and holders of public positions of trust when it comes to screwing up? It never ceases to amaze me how quickly these folks all whip out that get out of jail free card called rehab, before they even zip up or the stains are all dry, the minute they get caught with their willie out or their hair a mess and squatting bleary eyed in an alley.
I say hang on to that trump card of life for when ya really pull the big one. Rehab is for quitters and underachievers........

And the figure doesn't even include the cost of financing the new "surge" or buildup of troops and the cost of the new offensive? I'd ask if this dickless Alfred E. Neuman impersonator has lost it completely, but I think we passed that milestone many moons ago. I thought that we might somehow, be able to muddle through the next two years with the idiot on a congressional short leash and that the voting puplic would recognize what a farce they have been a party to and fix it. I don't think we have that much slack in the schedule anymore. This bull goose looney we have at the switch is dangerous - to all of us. This has nothing to do with the prosperity that some of us are experiencing. That is a product of the global economy and our own fragile niche in it. As good as the Republicans think things are, and as much as they would like to claim credit(remember that word) for it, trust me, we have a guy in there that despite all the Howdy Doody strings attached to his ***, has the power to **** things up a lot worse than they are, without having to worry about our elected representatives being able to have a say or to even vote on it.

It might be that Aunt Edna needs to come to the rescue with a bitter pill.

Last I heard, the figure had eleven 0's. I wonder how many of those could be earmarked for impossible to audit defense contracts and $2500.00 camo shitter stall doors that cost a buck three eighty to spit out of a plastic mold?
As much as I have tried to find a reason to stop tailgating and flashing my brights at this arrogant pr****, he keeps driving like an ******* and pushing his luck.......... Too bad this ain't Nascar or the NHL. Both have a way of getting the bad boys off the track and out of the game.......

Found this on a "scour the web" blog site - ramseym or jonco...... both are from K.C. Mo. - the "Show me State" looks like these two little tykes might just be from the state just to their south. Arkansas - the "you show me yours and I'll show ya mine" state, huh?

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
4. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
5. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
6. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Work it out.
7. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
8. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
9. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
10. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
11. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
12. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
13. Often times, there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
14. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
15. You should not confuse your career with your life.
16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
17. Never lick a steak knife.
18. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
19. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
20. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
21. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
22. Your friends love you anyway.
23. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
24. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
25. Invent someting idiot proof, and the world will invent a better idiot.