cosmickitty - mcoffland's Blog

cosmickitty - mcoffland's Blog - Victoria Advocate http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland en-us Childbirth, clothing and physics..... http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland/5549 http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland/5549  This afternoon I got a good laugh. I mean a really good laugh. It was from one of my former college friends. A few days ago, she gave birth to her first child...joyous,joyous occassion. This afternoon she calls me in complete panic...I answer the phone and she is screaming. Of course, my first thought is "Oh my God, something has happened". I scream back over her screaming to scream "Is the baby OK?!" She goes on to tell me the baby is fine and then goes into screaming some more. She is still in the maternity ward by the way, in her room FREAKING out...... about what she is going to wear home!!! LOL She tells me her husband is on her way to pick her and the baby up - he had to go sign some papers in the morning at his office and the doc signed her release papers a few hours early. Anyway - not the point. The point is Mother Nature had played a very sick trick on this unknowing mother and I, as one of her best friends in the entire world had let her down considerably. I had not done my job in warning her of the most disturbing , yet most mysterious realization that only motherhood can bring a person to. Here it is........ The clothes you wear into the maternity ward...you know the ones...they are called maternity clothes will not serve you any, and I mean ANY purpose once you have experienced the joy of laboring your child onto this planet. You can't wear them out of the hospital. That is a mystery of all things that I do not understand. How in the HELL can you not go home in what you arrived in? I don't get it - it's against the freaking law of physics. When I had my first child, I walked into that hospital for my induction wearing overalls...maternity overalls. Ok? Three days later I figure what the hell - I'll put em' back on. WRONG! I couldn't squeeze my big toe through the pants leg. WTH?!?! They were MATERNITY OVERALLS! I even let out all the slack and didn't even attempt to button the side closures. HOW IN THE HELL COULD THEY NOT GO BACK ON?!?! HELLO SIR ISAAC NEWTON - you failed to this mention this little wrinkle in all your years of physics?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! I honest to God don't get this one and I consider myself a halfway intelligent person. I know stuff gets moved around and things I won't even mention happen to you during the joyous hours of labor and childbirth but are you REALLY FREAKING SERIOUS that maternity overalls can't go back on your fat ass????? The same overalls that got you through the hellish months of watching your belly expand to the point where you lost sanity for a few minutes at one point during your 2nd trimester and thought you could really attempt a home experiment of being a "Weeble Wobble People"? So, in my hospital room I sat there in complete anger at this new found revelation. I also sat there in complete contempt of my wonderful husband who laughed - who honestly had the courage and cojones to sit there and even crack a smile while I in vain tried ONE MORE time to wriggle my "apparently larger and fatter ass NON pregnant vs. PREGNANT" into these godforsaken overalls once more before finally giving in to the atrocious sweatpants and shirt I had brought in with me for my stay. It's a sick curse of nature and twisted attempt at humor by Mother Nature to do this to us at that point in our lives. You are sitting there helpless at this point with noone to turn to. The thoughts have already crossed your mindduring pregnancy that you will somehow create a miracle and get your preprego body back in record time. You are standing there ready to take your baby home and you are thinking wow - I won't have to wear maternity clothes anymore ( because ALL 1st timers believe this ) and then you CANNOT EVEN GET THEM BACK ON ONCE YOU HAVE MADE YOUR 8LB WITHDRAWAL FROM YOUR WOMB?!?!?! You are standing there thinking "what went wrong - I should be smaller now...DEAR GOD why are you punishing me like this?" You cannot even get into your fattest of fattest of clothes. It's a sad moment. I only wished I could have remembered this painful moment before my friend had to call with that desperate voice wondering WHY - WHAT? Just like the pains of labor and childbirth though, you seem to forget those painful moments and bury them in the back of your mind. You only remember the happiness of the occassion. I calmed and reassured her that all would be fine - just told her to put her big,ugl gray sweats on instead and hold her head up high. Also, I did tell her to kick her husband in the knees if he so dared laughed at her situation. Better yet, if he did laugh, I was going to come to florida to kick him personally.  As we hung up, she had regained her composure and dignity. I knew she would leave that hospital looking like a supermodel in her ugly fat sweatpants. However, before I hung up I had to break the next big let down to her. I could not send her into the battlefields unarmed. Like me, she sleeps on her stomach...any woman reading this who loves sleeping on their stomach and has had children can feel the pain. You too can remember being naive enough to think you could overcome the impossible and return immediately to this position of sleeping. I take a moment of silence for my friend now...knowing that she is possibly awake at this hour with her new beautiful daughter nursing or cuddling her back to sleep or lying flat on her back longing for the day when she can turn onto her belly without the fear and pain of busting a boob full of milk. That my friends is the price we must pay though for the miracle of birth. The beauty is in a few years her child will be walking, talking and of course running rampant through her house and all the joyous moments of toddler hood will be bestowed upon her. On that day, I hope I can be the one to present her with her "Motherhood travel agent of guilt badge" She then will be able to utter the words...."Do you know how many hours of labor I went through to get you here?!?!" or the ever so popular " I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!!"  and my personal favorite," I couldn't even get into my maternity overalls that could have served as a tarp for a metro bus after I had you and this is how you repay me?!?!?" Of course, mine are still too young to understand that one fully, but I use it anyway. I came home from my first experience of having a child and three days later still could not get in those cursed, evil overalls so I sent them out to the trash. <input onclick="return doPostComment('http://bulletins.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=bulletin.comment&messageID=4723008387&friendID=178954865&hash=MIG%252fBgorBgEEAYI3WAOPoIGwMIGtBgorBgEEAYI3WAMBoIGeMIGbAgMCAAECAmYDAgIAwAQIMABahZFmaSgEEHg3%252bKbg16cTf4HruclTPSwEcEWTvceACShv%252bhK8xLBG8trMqOhHByPABDTzfGPv5P%252bmLHMPnCdn6%252fy7iz5oSyTY6wbgvRp31pxo9Mb0xngGQnToLlgYHLcK7IX1i93g4DjaSJiO6poifJqBS97qbP0%252flGiyJUu3xJgS6WTc885SmTQ%253d&MyToken=915db2d2-91e6-486a-87e0-a36b34727c70');" type="button" value="Post Comment" />  Birthday party registry? For a 4 year old?!?! http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland/5484 http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland/5484  Ok this one was going to be posted tomorrow, but my fingers were just itching to get this done now.  Our daughter who will be 4 in a matter of weeks came toddling home from preschool this afternoon with a birthday invitation in her backpack. We open it up and take a look at the when, where, and so on. As I opened the invite a slip of paper fell out that I looked at once we were finished with the "yea party at chuck e. cheese celebratory dance of joy!" Nothing more lovely than knowing as a parent you have to endure a 2 hour hellfest at the House of Mouse complete with running,screaming kids. And if you are really lucky like my husband and myself, you also get the joy of cramming yourself into those godforsaken tubes to pull your daughter out by the leg because she won't come out on her own because she wants to play some more and she would take delight in nothing more on the planet than seeing one of her parent's ( depends on who loses the rock,paper, scissors game) shove themselves up there like a piece of sausage getting stuffed to drag her out! LOL Anyway, back to the regular programming schedule.  I pick the slip of paper up from the floor and unfold it. I thought it was directions to the new Cheese house here in our area, but it was something else entirely. It was a gift registry..... to an upscale children's boutique, Macy's children's story, Learning Express and The Children's Place...complete with clothing sizes and favorite this and thats... for a child turning FOUR! I looked at some of the items listed and while I frequent these stores myself, I know that some of these items listed get to be a little pricey. My problem aside from the sheer gall of putting in a gift registry for a child's birthday party is it wasn't the child who did this. This is purely the doings of the parents...it just shocks me. I have seen invites to kids parties where some things were listed such as "Jane's favorite color is pink...she likes Barbie Dolls and magic markers" and so on. As a parent I can appreciate helpful hints such as those because when you don't really know the child or family those tips come in handy when gift shopping.  So, my question is - as a parent what are our expectations of gift giving at kiddie parties?  Again, I don't know this child or their family. Our daughters go to preschool together...I see the mom during the morning drop off and sometimes in the afternoon car line. While I am not a cheapskate when it comes to gift giving, I was thinking something along the lines of an age appropriate game...I usually stick to educational, fun gifts. I look at this list though and see BabyPhat clothing items, a $300 toy horse named Butterscotch and a laundry list of other clothing items and shoes.  I can see a kid wanting this Butterscotch horse thing...I've seen that in Target and honestly, if I were this age, I would probably want it too! I can't think though for a minute that the child knows about BabyPhat, Guess and Hilfiger clothing lines though on her own. I talked about this with a good friend/neighbor this afternoon while getting the mail and her response kind of floored me. She said, "well you know, the parents are doling out some good money to throw this party, so I guess they expect payback in good gifts." ?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!?! Hold the phone...........  Parties are intended to mark and celebrate the event. Parties in our area have become a contest of which family can outdo the other, and let me tell you, I have seen some outrageous parties. I never remember learning though that the more money spent  to entertain and celebrate means the price on presents went up as well. Granted, we give our children nice parties and I am willing to pay to have them at a venue rather than have 20 kids running in and out of my house to be left to clean a war zone afterwards. It never crossed my mind though to expect more expensive gifts for a more expensive party. It is my husband and myself who make the choice to finance the party and spend as we please on it. I am happy to do this if it makes the children happy and it entertains their friends and they all have a great time. We've had people show up with no gifts, and that is fine as well. For whatever reason they chose not to bring one is their business...for all I know it could be a financial issue and they are there in the first place to celebrate the occassion.  We already have our daughter's party planned for the end of the month at one of those indoor inflatable play places and I do not intend to put a registry into her invitations. The thought did cross my mind though only for me to sneak in a great pair of shoes I've been eyeballing ..I wonder if anyone would question as to why she needs a woman's size 8 though?  I don't know - maybe I am just too old and am checked out on the "now" thing to do or am I not and is a gift registry for ANY birthday party just a little over the top? Please let me know. Otherwise, when I do my shopping, I will add Candyland, or Hungry Hungry Hippo to my list of things to get. Paranoia Parenting http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland/5477 http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland/5477  Some of the comments from my first blog brought me to this subject. Even some of my own comments on that blog brought me to this subject. Paranoia parenting...it should be listed as a medical ailment. As a parent, I do see some of the concerns, but if you are a proactive parent you should be able to handle these situations when they arise. Afterall, who is the parent and ultimately in charge of your relationship with your children? Who knows better? You or 5 year Johnny or Sue?  Example...TV and children...good Lord do I even have to go here. Parents daily moan and whine about what their children are seeing on TV. I remember a few years back when there was a group of parents trying to get Nick Jr. to remove the popular show, LazyTown from their lineup. If you haven't seen LazyTown google it and read up on the premise of the show. It's written by a guy in Iceland I believe. He is a physical fitness guru and the show is aimed at teaching children healthy eating habits and good exerecise. Sounds innocent enough right? The only human characters are the show are the writer who portrays Sportacus, a man who plays Robbie Rotten ( the villian) and Stephanie, the very cute actress who helps the other children in LazyTown make good choices. These parenting groups threw a fit over the fact that Stephanie lives with her single uncle, who is the Mayor of LT...his character is a PUPPET! They were also upset at the fact that she wears a short skirt while Sportacus wears a one piece bodysuit they felt was too tight and was inappropriate. The guy is flipping around and exercising half the show...what do you expect him to wear? Do these parents complain at male gymnasts wearing their little tight one piece things on the floor exercise or complain about male ballet dancers. I mean come on...I've seen more of those men than I really care to. Back to the show though..it was upsetting to this group due to the fact they thought there were hidden sexual innuendos in this show. Here is a young girl wearing too short of a skirt running around town with this man all day and then going home to her single uncle. I will admit I wondered a time or two why didn't she live with her parents? Who cares though. I can guarantee my 4 year old at the time and 2 year old didn't think about that. They were more interested in Robbie's latest scheme  and if Sportacus would catch him.  As a parent, if you don't agree with a show TURN IT OFF! and don't turn it back on until something you feel is more suitable comes on. These people can't really believe their toddler aged children are picking up on any, if there are, "hidden" messages. And if they are, then they are probably too old to be watching the show anyway.  In our society today parents rely way too much on others to do their job for them. Turn off your TV's if you don't like the programming and send your kids OUTSIDE! You know - the nicely manicured lawn you overpay to have done every week. They can actually play on the soft green stuff out there and have a really good time doing it. Now, I would be lying if I said there wasn't a time (last year to be exact) that my kids didn't spend a little too much time inside and watching TV. We made a committment this year though to spend more time outside and having the TV off. Let me tell you, I have been amazed at watching what my children do out there with nothing more than their imagination. Ok, well their imagination, a box of sidewalk chalk, a Little Tykes car and a bicycle. You get the drift though. I have also won the war in my household against any game system that is plugged into the television. My husband and son have been itching for an XBox or Wii, but the answer still remains NO. Granted, our oldest does have a Nintendo DS, but he rarely plays it anymore due to school and more homework this year. He's lucky to have the time for it even on weekends now. And you know something? He doesn't miss it...Between school and Cub Scouts he is active and enjoying it.  Anyway - my point, if there really was one is for parents to wake up, drink some coffee and quit expecting everyone else to do your job for you. This is aimed at those who want to complain about what your kids are exposed to of course. You are ultimately responsible for what they are exposed to. It's not TV's fault or the companies advertising, or the writers's of the shows. They are doing their job...now go do yours.   Just a spoonful of sugar http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland/5476 http://community.victoriaadvocate.com/home/Blog/mcoffland/5476 <div> Before you take your cereal bowl to the kitchen sink, consider putting it through a window.   Kellogg Co., the world's largest cereal maker, has agreed to raise the nutritional value of cereals and snacks it markets to children.   The company said it won't promote foods in TV, radio, print or Web site ads that reach audiences at least half of whom are under age 12 unless a single serving of the product meets these standards: <o:p></o:p> -No more than 200 calories.<o:p></o:p> -No trans fat and no more than 2 grams of saturated fat.<o:p></o:p> -No more than 230 milligrams of sodium, except for Eggo frozen waffles.<o:p></o:p> -No more than 12 grams of sugar, not counting sugar from fruit, dairy and vegetables. <o:p></o:p>   Kellogg said it would reformulate products to meet these criteria or stop marketing them to children under 12 by the end of 2008.<o:p></o:p>   Assholes.  First they took away my Saturday morning cartoons with Bugs Bunny and now this.<o:p></o:p>   Look, I'm no health freak, but I do try to make decent, healthy food choices.  OK, I understand there's a growing concern for adolescent diabetes, chubby kids that like cake, and the overall diminishing state of physical fitness in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region>.  It's a pandemic.  I don't like McDonalds either; especially after seeing Super Size Me, but get ready to say goodbye to Tony the Tiger, Snap! Crackle! Pop!, Count Chocula, and Tommy the Toucan, to mention just a few.  Wonder no more: <o:p></o:p>   The <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Battle Creek</st1:city>, <st1:state w:st="on">Mich.</st1:state></st1:place>, company avoided a lawsuit threatened by parents and nutrition advocacy groups worried about increasing child obesity.<o:p></o:p>   And who in the crap are these "advocacy groups"?  Probably formed by the same folks that have a Nintendo, Xbox 360, or whatever hooked into the HD plasma.  You know, the ones whose kids are jacked up on Ritalin because parents can't dole out a piece of fruit for a snack and send Junior outside to play.<o:p></o:p>   "By committing to these nutrition standards and marketing reforms, Kellogg has vaulted over the rest of the food industry," said Michael F. Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest. "This commitment means that parents will find it a little easier to steer their children toward healthy food choices - especially if other food manufacturers and broadcasters follow Kellogg's lead." <o:p></o:p>   Jacobson's nutrition advocacy group, along with two <st1:state w:st="on">Massachusetts</st1:state> parents and the Boston-based Campaign For A Commercial-Free Childhood, had served notice in January 2006 of intent to sue Kellogg and the Nickelodeon cable TV network under a <st1:state w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Massachusetts</st1:place></st1:state> law to stop them from marketing junk food to kids. [my emphasis]<o:p></o:p>   Wow! Nannies, trial lawyers, soccer moms are up in arms about people's inability to make proactive decisions on their children's behalf.  Blackmailing bastards. <o:p></o:p>   If you aren't feeling bad enough already, try this statement from Kelloggs: <o:p></o:p> "We regret that these friggin' busybodies have blackmailed us into eliminating taste in our breakfast cereals, and we're going to have to put more tree bark into the mix just to stop their feral lawyers from suing our asses off."<o:p></o:p>   Okay, I made up that part.  Kelloggs never said that (although they should have). What they did say was: <o:p></o:p>   "We are pleased to work collaboratively with industry and advocacy groups to unveil these standards," said David Mackay, Kellogg's CEO. "We feel the Kellogg Nutrient Criteria set a new standard for responsibility in the industry."<o:p></o:p>   Seriously, let's all be realists. <o:p></o:p> 1.) Kids under age 12 have no disposable income, and can't drive to the store to get their cereal. This means that parents are responsible for buying these eeeevil sugary cereals for their kids. And yes, I know, marketing to kids mean Dick and Jane are going to whine and moan if they don't get what they saw on TV. Big fat, hairy deal. These apologies for parents just want to have to avoid saying "no" to their kids. And speaking of lousy parents: <o:p></o:p>   2.) Parents should have complete control over what their kids watch on TV. If Nickelodeon beams ads for Supa-Sweet Choccy Cinnamon-Honey Krusties on a 24/7 basis, then let's suggest that parents should not let their kids watch Nickelodeon.  Ever. But, oh no! That would mean the kids whine and moan that they can't watch the cool Spongebath Squareass show, and must endure Wibbly-Wobbly Time on PBS instead.  And we can't have spoiled-rotten children unhappy over a TV show now, can we? <o:p></o:p>   Aaaargh!  I don't blame Kelloggs for this.  Because we live in a bullshit litigious society where you can become financially free after spilling hot coffee in your lap they have to do what they must. <o:p></o:p>   But I must be honest:  I love Frosted  Mini Wheats.  My tape worm regularly rousts me out of bed at 2 a.m. for a bowl.  And between now and the time that the crappy reformulated products come out in 2008, I'll have to boogie to the nearest Costco (because I immensely dislike Sam's Club,)stock up and build an outside storage facility to hold my supply.  And when that wonderful supply runs out, and all I'm left to contemplate is a future of Kelloggs Bark 'N Twigs, I'll just have to sprinkle more sugar on my cereal, because (and let's not mince words here), without alpha tocopheryl acetate, yellow dye #5, sugar, honey or other such sweeteners, cereal tastes like ass.   <o:p></o:p> "Campaign For A Commercial-Free Childhood." Give me a break. What these pissy busybodies really want is: "Campaign For A Capitalism-Free Childhood." God forbid kids should be taught to filter out the crap from commercial messages all by themselves (with parental involvement). That would require involved parents and informed kids.  Far better that TV become some boring PBS-style, goody-two-shoes, commercial-free medium, showing only ads which have been blessed by these interfering bastard health Nazis and their shyster sidekicks for the sheeple that can't think for themselves.   <o:p></o:p> Now go have a bowl of oatmeal loaded with pyridoxine hydrochloride (that's vitamin B6),  and scramble an egg.  Personally, I like mine with a side of partially hydrogenated soybean oil.  Don't forget the toast and O.J.  It's all a part of a nutritionally balanced breakfast. </div>